February 25th.

Blogging from my phone, heh. I can't do any underlines or bold or anything. And for some reason I find that a little unnerving. I like my posts to follow a certain formula, I guess.

I've been having a good week. I've had job offers, been driving, talked on the phone to friends. Things that would usually pretty much fill me with joy. So why do I feel so sad right now?

I wish I had more control over my moods. Or that my psych would just put me on some fuckine meds already. I've been trying. But I think everyone's sick of hearing "I'm trying." from me. I can't really tell if I've made any tangible progress, in anything. Have I?
...Will I ever?

Ah well. Weird weekend ahead. Driving lesson on Saturday, worth 3 hours. And trying to avoid people for the rest of the time, pretty much. I don't know if I can deal this time. I should be okay. I should be great.
But I'm not.
Life is great, everything's going well.
But there's still a lot of things missing.

I might have some tea now.

February 22nd.

There is this thing that's like touching except you don't touch.

Listening to: Sing - The Dresden Dolls
Mood: Coming down.

I've had a good past few days. Really good.

Saturday - Hung out with Brendan, went to Rozelle Markets, secondhand stores, Reverse Garbage, and a whole lot of public transport. Being freaky with a phone on my head. Deciding that Stanmore is in fact awesome.

Sunday - Went driving with Mum, mastered roundabouts. Fuck yeah.

Today - Watched Ghostbusters (Shut up, Ghostbusters is awesome), found out about a really good job oppurtunity, went driving with Mum again. I'm getting good.

I've decided a few things. But there's still stuff I'm not sure about.
(Because you guys totally love it when I'm vague.)
I wish I knew how to help you cope. Well, I do know. I've done it before. I wish you'd let me help.
Now, to try and write a resume. Ugh. I'm not good at this.

I miss when it was easy.
But life wasn't meant to be easy, I guess.

There is this thing that's like talking except you don't talk.

February 18th.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Listening to: Road To Nowhere - Talking Heads
Mood: Full.

I've spent the first half of my day listening to Talking Heads and Porcupine Tree, reading blogs (mainly Neil Gaiman's, but a few others too.) and drinking tea and apple juice (both on their own and together. What can I say, I was bored. I was not disappointed.)
And while I would like to spend most of my days listening to music and reading blogs and drinking apple juice/tea/applejuicetea, I realised that I ACTUALLY HAVE STUFF TO DO TOMORROW.
Gah. Good or bad?
Anyway. Psych appointment at 9. Hopefully Nan will give me a lift, otherwise I'll have to go in when Mum takes Shane to school, which means waiting around for at least half an hour. In a psych's waiting room. Not the most pleasant of places, despite the adorable receptionist who is always incredibly nice to me.

I must remember to wear more comfortable shoes this time. Last time I was stuck in Westpoint all day I wore my not-so-advisable (but awesomely cute and cheap and complimented on) secondhand heels that I got at the St Vinnie's at Rozelle. Now, they're comfortable. But not for a whole day. I don't think ANY heels are really comfortable for a whole day, to be honest. As much as I love shoes that make me look awesome and taller.
Note to self: Stop using the word awesome so much, you are not Barney Stinson.
...
...Mmmm. Barney.
WHAT NO I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON NEIL PATRICK HARRIS.
Much.

Last night I spent a good 2 and a half hours on the phone to Kristy, which was awe... uh, great. Lately I've been spending lots of time having late-night chats with the few people I consider my best friends, which has been slightly contributing to my lack of sleep, but also contributing to my "Hey-I'm-actually-kind-of-okay-and-not-totally-depressed-right-now"-itis. Good for you, guys. Thanks for putting up with me and my stupid advice and babbling and giggling and strange references to stuff.
(By the way, Kriz, if you could not tell the people I talked about killing that I'd like to kill them, that would be appreciated. Ta.)
We came up with a killer soap-opera storyline that involves toothbrushes and pregnancy and being seperated at birth but actually being the same person (albeit slight less asian than your other half) and talked about Daniel Radcliffe for far too long.
...
...Mmmm. Daniel.

ANYWAY. I have spent too much time procrastinating while writing this. Reading other blogs, namely. So maybe I should post some of the blogs I read?

• http://volcanicensemble.blogspot.com - The Sassy Curmudgeon. She is wonderful, and I love her, but I've never had the guts to tell her.
• http://tavi-thenewgirlintown.blogspot.com - Style Rookie. She is adorable, and wickedly funny, and only like, 13. WTF. She also has some kickass clothes.
• http://thatispriceless.blogspot.com/ - That Is Priceless. Very LOL-inducing. Well, at least I think so.
• http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/ - Passive Agressive Notes. Always cheers me up.

Also, Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman's blogs, because I stalk them. Can you blame me, they're fucking awe... fantastic. Best couple ever.

So, I've wasted roughly an hour attempting to write this blog entry, and have nothing more interesting to sa-...OH WAIT YES I DO.

On Saturday, I think, I'm totally dragging my dear Brendan around secondhand shopping. Huzzah! Of course, I won't be able to actually BUY anything, due to lack of funds, but it shall be fun nonetheless.

February 17th.

Louder than sirens, louder than bells.

Listening to: Blinding - Florence + The Machine.
Mood: Ow ow ow fucking my kidneys ow.

First off, this song is brilliant when I steal my brother's big headphones.
Secondly, cardboard boxes should not be so fun.
And thirdly, I'm looking forward to this weekend far too much. It's not that big a deal. But loneliness can make you a bit like that, I guess. Also, the promise of secondhand shopping. Huzzah.

If you used to read my blog before I redesigned it for this year, you'll know I love writing lists. For absolutely no fucking reason. Lists of songs, of things I need to do, anything. If I cleaned my room half as well as I wrote lists, I would be able to see the carpet. And not just in patches, the whole damn thing.

So, ignoring the fact that none of you are probably even remotely interested in what i have to say I present to you:

Ree's list of Things She Needs Right Now That She Could Probably Live Without But Would Really Like Anyway

• An old-fashioned, fancyish tea set. (For photoshoot purposes, and also because tea is awesome.)
• A watering can. (Old-fashioned is good, again. Also for photoshoot purposes.)
• Her netbook to fucking work. (For obvious reasons.)
• Money. (For buying said tea set and watering can and also a bunch of secondhand clothes.)
• Her own Medicare card. (Taking care of this soon, finally.)
• To drive more. (I'm not going to kill you, Mum. Jeez.)

Oh, and you. You would be nice.
I swear this computer is riddled with viruses already. STOP LOOKING AT PORN, SHANE.
Please.

Well, I just heard my Mum's car in the driveway and I still have stuff I didn't do yet. Fuck.
I'm off.
You honestly have nothing better to do than to look through my blogs for hidden messages? Yeah, I know it's stupid that I put them in here since who they're INTENDED for will never read them. But that doesn't mean youneed to comment on them.

February 14th.

Cornerstone.

Listening to: Blissful silence.

Mood: Everything.

Chatting to: Bas.

I drove today.

It was pretty fucking amazing. And easier than I thought. I'm going to get my P's as soon as I can. Well, if my parents take me driving enough for me to get my hours up in a reasonable amount of time.

I know you don't really believe in Valentine's Day.

My dad's booking me a lesson for this Saturday morning, if they can fit me in. Well, I wasn't busy anyway, so I may as well. It certainly won't hurt.

Neither do I, really. Well, not since you told me you didn't. You have a remarkable amount of influence over my opinions.

I'm so busy this coming week, though... I might just get lost in it all.

I do miss getting lost in things.

But I just wanted to say that I love you. Even though you won't see this.

I want to go shopping soon. I have a list of places I want to go. Mostly vintage and secondhand stores. But I need money first. Damn it. I just fucking wish my mother would give me what's rightfully mine.

I might apply at Hoyts tomorrow. In between all the other stuff I have to do.

I've been trying to keep busy.

I doubt you'll ever read this, actually.

But it will always be you, and only you.

And that will never change.

I'm sorry.

I just hope, if you can't ever love me, you'll at least understand.

But I'd really like you to love me.

Keeping busy is good, I guess.

I've been trying. Doing all the things you wanted me to.

I just wish you'd notice me.

I love you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

February 13th.

Dear Bas.

RL YEQ BKJ KYBHRCN OPRM, YEQ PBSJ OEE ZQFP ORZJ EC YEQK PBCHM.
PBSRCN MBRH OPBO, R XESJ YEQ, BCH YEQ BKJ BUJMEZJ.

Love Ree.

February 12th.

Living in metaphor.

Listening to: Dirty Business - The Dresden Dolls (This song should NOT remind me so much of myself.)

Mood: Tired. Fuck dreams.

Chatting to: Brendan, Liam, Bas.

So, I'm at Dad's, which means better internet. Hurrah?

Basically it means I can camerawhore and actually upload stuff. Because you totally want to look at pictures of me.

This is what I look like RIGHT NOW OMG:

Ree, sans makeup. I know. Rare. Brave, even?

Everyone knows how much I hate my face without at least eyeliner. My eyes are a funny shape. It doesn't help that in this photo I look cross-eyed.

But I'm feeling ballsy today. ("No, not real balls, metaphorical balls!" I swear, my conversations with Brendan always cheer me up. He's an awesome kid.)

It's To Write Love On Her Arms Day today. In Australia at least.

I used to be really hostile towards it, for stupid reasons. Basically I just thought it was some stupid thing shitty pop-punk bands were involved in.

Certain people changed my outlook though.

Unfortunately the angle in this one is bad, and it looks like it says LOVF. Also, it contains my face looking retarded.

Slightly better, more love and less of my face.

The best, all love and no face!

Also; note the random wrist-bone-thing.

I like my wrists. They're rather veiny, and for some reason I find that attractive. Not that I'm attracted to my own wrists. I'm sure there are people who are attracted to wrists. There's a fetish for everything nowadays.

And yeah, it was you. You've changed my mind about a lot of things, you know. I'm an organ donor now. I don't read my horoscopes anymore. I'm never touching pot. Wouldn't make a difference though, would it?

...Would it?

OH BY THE WAY BRENDAN LOOK I'M NOT BEING SLACK WITH MY BLOG SO YOU COULD TOTALLY DO IT TOO. BIG MOTHERFUCKING HINT. WOO.

February 11th.

Hours.

Listening to: Dirty Business - The Dresden Dolls

Mood: GAH TIRED.

Chatting to: Liam.

The phrase 'severe depression' came up.

Severe? Really?

Fuck.

Even I didn't think it was THAT bad.

But I guess she'd know better than me.

But still...fuck. I dunno, maybe I'm making a big deal about it. But wouldn't you do the same thing?

...Probably not, come to think of it.

She asked me about you. A lot. More than I wanted to talk about you.

I felt...weak. Pathetic, almost.

But when I talked to people about it later I acted like it went fine.

Met up with Erin, Liam, Kristy and Kirrily this afternoon. It was pretty good. Erin filled me in on how the swimming carnival went.

I miss people. Maybe I miss school. Yeah, I probably do. But it's too late now. Far too late.

Now I just have to grow up with everyone else.

Being your slave what should I do but tend

Upon the hours, and times of your desire?

I have no precious time at all to spend;

Nor services to do, till you require.

February 10th.

Oh lover, may I stab thee?

Listening to: Ruled By Secrecy - Muse.

Mood: Scared.

I should be fine.

I will be fine.

Will I?

Take the scalpel.

Cut yourself open, it's really not that painful.

And inside, you'd never believe the things I've seen in you.

But you're not bleeding.

I've been thinking insane things. That this could all go wrong and I'll end up in a place I don't want to be. Physically or emotionally.

I want to know, though. I want to know so badly.

I want to put a name to it.

I love you, and I'm not going away.

Do you ever bleed?

February 9th.

Biology.

Listening to: Phase 7: Original - Rabbit In The Moon

Mood: Full.

Chatting to: Brendan, Bas.

So, I finally got my L's today.

And goddammit, I'm proud of myself. Yeah, it took me ages to finally do the test. Yeah, it turned out to be easy. But the thing is, I was kinda nervous. Okay, very nervous.

I don't trust myself in cars. I don't trust cars in general. And road rules, while mostly common sense, can be annoying and hard to remember.

And I'm a nervous spaz.

Anyway, I am very proud of myself, at least. Now to get all the hours I need. Is it 120 now? I'm not sure.

I love getting lost. In anything. A place, a person, a song, a mood. Anything.

I think I need to get lost again soon. Just go to the city alone and walk around. Maybe with someone.

I want to get so severely lost that it gets dark and I have no idea where I am.

I miss that rush.

I miss a lot of things, actually.

I miss sitting outside in the middle of the night when it's cold and a little bit breezy and not at all humid. (Fuck it's humid lately.)

I miss being able to write and not worry about whether or not I'm wasting my time.

I miss who I used to be.

I miss you.

And by you, I mean a few people. People who have abandoned me, people who I've fallen out of contact with, people who have changed.

I miss being able to wear what I want and not care.

I miss school. Yeah, I said it.

And I miss my grandparents, but I think most people know that.

I'm getting so sick of this house. Whenever my brother decides to chuck a fit I'm the one that gets yelled at. I think it's because Mum is scared of punishing him.

Fucking hell, though. He needs to grow up some day. Stop wrapping him in cotton wool.

If it goes on for much longer... Gah. I'm not going to put up with it.

Trying to be independent is a bit alien to me. But I'm getting better. I'm going to get better. I think. I hope?

I'm trying to be optimistic.

I've started moving all my stuff out of my room to sort. I have a bunch of cardboard boxes, and I plan on just having two groups. Keep, and Throw Away. No maybe pile.

Sometimes I think I've just got to get away from here for a while.

I don't know where I'd go.

Look closer.

February 8th.

Reduced.

Listening to: I'm Not Calling You A Liar - Florence + The Machine.

Mood: Tired.

Chatting to: Bas, Brendan, Erin, Liam.

BY THE WAY, THIS BLOG IS DEDICATED TO BAS, BECAUSE HE'S AWESOME.

I'm not calling you a liar

Just don't lie to me

I had an amazing weekend.

On Saturday, Erin, Laura and I went and got coffee in the city. (Yes, we miss Starbucks that much.) The weather was terrible, though, so as soon as we had our coffee we decided to go back to Blacktown and stay in Westpoint for a bit. We ended up going into Playtime (the arcade, for non-Blacktowners) and playing air hockey.

My arm stills hurts from that, by the way. I'm terrible at air hockey. But funny to watch, apparently, so that was good enough. I kind of just...flail. Erin thrashed me. Like, 7 - 3 or something. But then Laura thrashed her, so it was all good.

Then. Sticker photos. For like, the first time in aaaaaaages. I forgot that they give you a time limit to edit those things... But we ended up with some pretty good ones. Especially the one with question marks around Laura's head.

We got dinner at Noodle Extra (Extra's a funny word.) and all ended up getting the same thing. Fuck yeah vegetarian noodles. Although, Noodle Box is better. Unfortunately, only in Queensland, I think.

I'm not calling you a thief

Just don't steal from me

Onto yesterday.

I ran into my friend Dyz at Blacktown station, which was random. I haven't seen her in years. I met her on a forum, and we had met in person a few times, but this was completely surprising. Nice, though, because it meant I didn't have to get the train alone.

I got into Central station at 11, which was when Brendan was supposed to be meeting me.

Around quarter past, I think, I get a phone call.

"Uhh, I only just woke up."

RAGE.

I managed to figure out how to get the bus to his house, though. After much talking to the shopkeeper guy.

"Are you SURE this is the right ticket?"

"I don't know, I just sell them."

I get off a stop early (Which is only, what, a hundred metres away I think.) and walk over to Brendan, who is standing there holding a mug of coffee. He looked wonderfully pretentious, and I informed him of this fact.

So, after a brief stay at his house in which I dumped my jacket and told Brendan's sister I was jealous of her (SHE HAS TWO PAIRS OF DOC MARTENS. NOT FAIR.), we headed to Rozelle Markets, which I have probably spelled wrong. Doesn't matter, though, they have some amaaaaaaazing second-hand stuff there. I wish I could go every weekend. Lack of funds, however, stops me. Gah.

I bought an awesome shirt and pair of shoes from the Vinnies across the road, too. Mmm, bargains. I love secondhand shopping so much. Cheap, awesome stuff. This makes Ree happy.

On the train home, a cute guy talked to me. It was...weird, but awesome. I got a phone number. Not sure what I'm going to do, though. I don't have any credit, anyway.

And then I got locked into Westpoint. Yeah, that was a bit stupid. Thank goodness that random cleaner guy let me out.

I'm not calling you a ghost

Just stop haunting me

Booked my L's test for tomorrow. Nervous? Me? Pfft.

...Yes.

Ah well, Dad's paying.

This afternoon Erin, Laura and I went to Blacktown Pool. They wanted to do laps to practice for their swimming carnival on Thursday, I wanted to distract them. I won.

Erin and I attempted to teach Laura one of our pool rituals, also known as "WOOOSH". She couldn't quite twist right.

Erin and I have been going to the pool together for...ages, now. Half of our inside jokes were formed there. And, true to tradition, a new one was formed today.

"Breaststroke will now be known as 'inverted sternum stroke' to avoid offending people."

Only a few people will get that. But that's the point of the inside joke.

I'm really tired. And I'm having trouble eating. It's frustrating. But I'm trying.

With everything.

All I can do is try.

And I love you so much

I'm gonna let you kill me

February 5th.

We slip, we slip.

Listening to: Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up) - Florence + the Machines
Mood: Restless and nauseous.

First off, I got a haircut.
For those of you who have known me for a while, think Ree circa Year 9/early Year 10. Yes. The fringe is back.
And I'm already hating it, gah. Stupid hairdresser did not listen. Does this look like a side fringe to you?!


I think I'm actually a fairly shy and insecure person, which is why I tend to overact sometimes. I put on this veneer of confidence and strength when actually I'm shaking.

The looking glass so shiny and new
How quickly the glamour fades
I start spinning, slipping out of time
Was that the wrong pill to take?
(Raise it up)

By the way, new favourite song, if you hadn't guessed.

You made a deal and now it seems you have to offer up
But will it ever be enough?
(Raise it up, raise it up)
It's not enough
(Raise it up, raise it up)

I wish I had the guts to say some of the things I want to say to people.

Maybe I'll just do one of those anonymous posts here and people will try and guess.

1. How fucking dare you treat him like that. You're more messed up than I thought. But I'd still talk to you if you wanted, because for some reason I find it easy to tell you things. Maybe I'm a bit fucked in the head too.

2. Thank you so much for abandoning me. It's nice to know you were only being my friend because of who I was dating.

3. You're a hypocrite, and a liar. So much for reconnecting.

4. I wish you had told me who was there. But what's done is done now. You know I'm sorry. And I hope you're sorry. Now I just need to try and fix it. By the way, thank you. You're kind of amazing.

5. I worry about you so. Fucking. Much.

6. I'm still jealous of you.

Here I am, a rabbit-hearted girl
Frozen in the lights
It seems I've made
The final sacrifice

I think my brother has downloaded something and it's given us viruses. Fuck.
I wouldn't be surprised if it was pron.

Tomorrow I get to see Erin and Laura for the first time in ages. Hopefully it won't be raining, that would suck.
They want to meet me at 2pm. To go into the city. That's a bit late...
Here I go into paranoia mode again...

ARGH FUCKING VIRUSES.

We raise it up
This offering
We raise it up

This is a gift
It comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

On Sunday I'm going into the city with Brendan. We'll probably end up bumming around cathedrals and taking photos, or maybe go see a movie. To be honest, I'd be happy with anything.
We were thinking of inviting other people. But who's friends with both Brendan and I that would actually want to spend a day with us?
Not many people right now, I think.
Well, I don't know, really. Anyone feel like coming?

I look around and I can't find you
If only I could see your face
I start rushing towards the skyline
I wish that I could just be brave

I must become the lion-hearted girl
Ready for a fight
Before I make
The final sacrifice

This weather is making me restless. I want to run out into the storm and scream until I stop feeling anything and dance until I pass out.
I miss running around in the rain. I used to, at high school. Some people disapproved, but i fucking loved it.
And I always made sure I took off my jumper first so I'd have something dry to put on afterwards.

I miss school, but I don't. It was just easier to keep up with people back then.
And now, I don't even know when one of my best friend's grandparents dies. I don't hear anything from anyone.
If there was ever a loop, I'm firmly out of it.

We raise it up
This offering
We raise it up

This is a gift
It comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

Raise it up, raise it up
Raise it up, raise it up

My mum's been confusing me a lot lately.
She's been selfish and hypocritical and setting terrible examples for me.
And then she turns around and tells me that how I'm acting is not appropriate.
From where I stand, you're worse than I am.
Now please take that fucking cigarette outside.

And in the spring, I shed my skin
And it blows away with the changing wind
The waters turn from blue to red
As towards the sky I offer it

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

I wish I could stop myself from having dreams.

In my dreams I'm more real than I am when I'm awake.