May 26th.

I love you.

Listening to: Things Behind The Sun - Nick Drake.
Mood: Wistful.
Talking to: Jim, Cj, Jane.

Dancing on your front lawn in the middle of the night, yelling to the moon that I'll meet her someday while you watch me and try not to think that I'm crazy. It's okay, we both know I am.
I'll sleep under your bed in a suitcase and sing to you when you're lonely if you'll love me. I'll draw the curtains and blow out the candles and paint stars on the ceiling and name them all for you.
Then one day when it's raining tea you'll decide I'm too much and leave me for the next one. I'll go back to the tire swing in the backyard in her head, and though the rope is frayed she'll push me higher and higher until all I feel and breathe an am is the clouds.
She'll miss you more than i do though, she always does. She falls into the flowers again and I have to pull her out. The strings holding us up are weak, but they'll never break. Like the wires that hold up circus performers. Thin, almost invisible. Like her smile.
You made snow angels for me. I had never seen snow before. The cold was like home. And she's burning like autumn leaves, dancing around the bedroom mocking me.
I'll just wait for the next one.
Hands feather soft. But gripped oh so tight around my wrists. My hands. My calloused hands held by feather soft. I can feel myself breaking. She's singing while I sleep. She keeps them in a suitcase under the bed. The next ones. Light, dark, large, small. But always feather soft.
Always not enough. I'm too much. She's more than enough. Dancing like autumn leaves burning. The smoke smells like roses though.
Roses and jasmine and the blanket I hid under the day she was born.
My throat is dry and we're laughing through it. We're crazy, her and I.
And we're waiting for the next one.


I need to learn control.

May 20th.

All the parts you can't see.

Listening to: Early Sunsets Over Monroeville - My Chemical Romance.

Mood: Exhausted.

You should be more proud of me. I should be more proud of me. I wish you'd listen and acknowledge me and tell me you want me as your daughter and that you understand that something's wrong.

I miss being your daughter. Now I'm just your burden.

Sometimes I feel like everyone's burden.

Except for you. Thank you for fixing our tire swing, by the way.

The leaves are falling, but I like it better that way.

I wonder if the people who read sit there and try to work out the symbolism. It's simple, really. But it doesn't look simple. And I understand why reading this blog might be confusing. But there are people who still do, and I love them for it. They're wonderful. Even if they don't like it, they give me a reason to write it.

And I need to write.

I've always needed to write in one way or another. Language seems to be one of my (admittedly, few) talents.

And it's a passion. And a distraction. And...sometimes it's everything and I get lost as my very life flows through my fingers and onto the screen.

It's an addiction, but a cruel one, as I often find myself with lack of inspiration.

If you could write anything, what would you write about?

(There's a comments section for a reason, guys.)

My dreams are doing the whole 'hey, we're going to fuck with you now' thing again. Rejoice. Maybe it's why I'm so exhausted all the time lately. Either way, it's not fair. There's got to be some kind of pill or something you can take to get dreamless sleep. I'm sick of my dreams.

Some of them haunt me.

Some of them make me wish I'd never wake up.

And I don't want to feel that feeling again. Not wanting to wake up. I've hurt too many people I love by not wanting to wake up.

I'm excited about the weeks to come. I get to see people I adore and do things I love.

And paint. I get to paint. Fuck how I've missed painting... You really have no idea. Now to just pick my songs.

...and buy more paint. That might be helpful.

I bid you adieu for the night.

And leave you with Ophelia. For now.

May 18th.

You're standing on my neck.

Listening to: 1901 - Phoenix.
Mood: Pretty good, regardless.

Right now I'm looking for jobs, and it's not as easy as some people (ie My parents) seem to think. I'm inexperienced at...well, everything. But how I get the experience in the ifrst place if they won't take on people who haven't had experience? It's confusing.
(/click. Okay, just applied to answer phones in an optometrist. I could do that, right?)

I hate that sometimes I slip and measure my self-worth by how many people want to sleep with me. No one should do that, and I'm a hypocrite for doing it.
The way I've been acting lately has been scaring people off, apparently. But I'm trying to be better! I am getting better! Maybe I'm not the problem here, maybe people are just too judgemental of me...

I had a dream on my last night in Queensland.
You were wearing a leather jacket and for some reason you had a tail.
It was long and kind of reptilian and I think I was the only person that could see it. We were sitting across from each other in a cafe and you were stroking my inner thighs quite intimately, but the whole time maintaining eye contact. You were saying things like "You are a piece of meat. Anything we do tonight will mean nothing to me." and all I could do was sit there and nod like I was in a trance.
Then he came in and took me by the hand and led me away from you, to his house. He tucked me into the spare bed and said "She's away for the weekend, shall I stay with you?".
I fell asleep in his arms.
And then I woke up.

They're getting vivd again, my dreams. Which I enjoy sometimes, but sometimes it kills me.

Anyone know any jobs that are going?

May 4th.

What a beautiful liar.

Listening to: Ruiner - Nine Inch Nails.
Mood: Oh no.

Confused and sad. Yeah. What to do?

I want to watch myself from outside my own head. I want to sit miles above you and laugh. in the clouds, will be our playground.
Get outside of my insides.
Get. Out.


In other news, my 18th birthday was epicfuckingtacular. I love my family. <3

I'm running out of future, this history's all just clutter.
Except for you, dear. Except for you.

Maybe I deserve this.
For being trusting and loving. Bad Ree.
Silly kitty.

I miss you. Fuck you. I love you. Go away.
Two-faced doll turns awkwardly and sighs.
Smash smash smash wreck cut faint cry yell scream cut sleep.