June 27th.

Whiplash.

Listening to: Ruiner by Nine Inch Nails.

Mood: Solemn.

Sigh.

You don't make this easy on me, do you?

What to do, what to do, what to do...

I can still look at you. For now, anyway. One day. I'll change that.

So! Today was a good day! I got more exercise! And yeah!

Happy! Optimism! ...yeah! Everything's going to turn out okay!

Maybe if I believe that, things will actually turn out okay. Does that work? No harm in trying, I guess.

So then, I'm going to get a job, and get in shape, and the boy I like will realise he likes me! Let's believe that stuff. And then maybe it will happen.

...everyone cross their fingers for me?

My head's been better lately. Sleepy, but better. I think my medication is starting to affect me the way it's supposed to. I just need to stop forgetting to take it every couple of days and I'll be sweet, I think.

It's easy to forget, though. So many years of not having to take anything to BAM, two pills a day. And your state of mind depends on them! Ugh.

Stop being so GODDAMN PERFECT IN EVERY WAY, it kills me just a tad. Every time I talk to you I find out more things that make me like you. Gah. It's not fair at all. But I'll live with it.

What to do tomorrow? I'm enjoying actually doing stuff instead of sitting around the house like a blob.

Although I'm still alone. Some company would be nice. I mean, I feel kind of lame saying things like this, but I'm pretty lonely.

(Maybe you should stop thinking about him then.)

(Oh shut up.)

(Never.)

Anyway, suggestions?

Silly Ree. Stop looking at that photo. You'll just make yourself giggle like a schoolgirl again.

June 26th.

I'm devastated, but I'll hide it from you.

Listening to: A Campaign Of Shock And Awe by Evelyn Evelyn.
Mood: Inexplicable.

"Behold, the eighth wonder of the natural world! Come one and come all, see the two-headed girl! Stupendous! Revolting! You'll be shocked! You'll be awed! A true freak of nature, a blunder of God!"

A Campaign Of Shock And Awe - Evelyn Evelyn

I am a silly, silly girl, hoping for so much. But I guess I have time to change that. At least I have time. I'm not doomed yet.

I think.

So! The past week or so has been pretty awesome. I've met some amazing people and been in a generally good mood. I know! Ree! In a good mood! It's almost unheard of!

Mmmm, delicious chemical happiness. Not entirely real but much better than the alternative. (All encompassing, soul-crushing depression. Not fun.)

There's always this underlying sadness. For some reason it reminds me of an old music box. Happy tune, but some of the notes are just a little bit off. Just enough to be slightly unnerving, but you don't really mention it. Or maybe I should just stay away from metaphors.

Meds good, metaphors bad. Bad Ree.

I need a job so so so so so badly. There are so many things I want. Mainly dvds. I need:

• Ghostbusters 1 + 2
• Mullholland Drive
• Blue Velvet
• Pretty much every Tarantino movie except Inglourious Basterds (My in-browser spell-checker does not like that movie title.)
• Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (I could always steal my stepmother's copy...)
• The Mighty Boosh season 1 (Since the copy I loaned out probably isn't coming back to me.)

Ugh. I also need a tea set.

But nobody wants to reply to Ree when she applies for jobs.

(If anybody knows of anything going, dear Cthulhu, TELL ME. Can you smell the desperation here?)

Is there such a thing as TOO determined? Too determined to lose weight, to make people happy, to make a certain someone take notice of you in a certain way? If there is, then I certainly am too determined. Really. There are factors that would make most people go "Oh. Well, that's not going to work out. Maybe next time."

Things like that just make me think "Yippee! A challenge!"

I guess I'd rather fail after trying than give up. A good thing, but not always.

(By the way, this album is amazing. CHICKEN MAN! CHICKEN MAN!)

(I'm giggling with glee and my brother is looking at me weird. And then he quoted V For Vendetta at me. Interesting.)

I want to see Amanda Palmer and Jason Webley riding an elephant. Hell, just seeing them in general would be great.

They say you should never meet your heroes, but when I met Amanda she was everything I expected. Amazing and beautiful. And it made me love her even more. I'll cherish that day forever.

Too bad the autograph washed off my boobs. Sigh.

By the way, hello Naomi. You're beautiful. And you're one of the people who have made my week so amazing. Kudos, pretty lady. Keep smiling or I'll tickle you to death.

Also, you. You're amazing. Keep being amazing and I'll keep standing in the corner being quiet. What else am I supposed to do for now? I want to throw my arms around you but that would just scare you away.

It's sad.

But I'll live.

I always live.

Well, kinda.

June 15th - On the clifftop.

All I could smell was the smoke and the rough saltiness of the ocean. The crackling of the burning against the sound of the crashing waves was almost soothing.
I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on breathing. The past hour or so had gone by in a blur, and it was only now that I considered the consequences of my actions.
I would most certainly go to jail. Her family would hate me forever. But they didn't know what she had done to me. How she had broken me.
And they wouldn't believe me, or care.
Their little girl was dead, that was all that mattered.
And then there was my family. I could imagine the questions. How could you? Why? Who have you become?
And again, of course, no one would listen. No one would care.
Their little girl was a murderer, and that was all that mattered.

It was hard to watch our bedroom burning around her as she slept. Our photos and memories warping and blackening in the flames. I turned around and walked away, and left the pain with her.
And then I stood on the clifftop. There was no doubt she had burned by now. The house was engulfed in flames, glowing a brilliant orange behind me.
I looked out across the ocean, squinting as the salty breeze brushed my face. A step forward. Another.
Everything was gone now. Another step.
I stood at the edge.
A deep breath. I spread my arms. Another step.

The water is all I have now.