April 27th - Long Weekend Retrospective.

Not with a scream, but with a sigh.

Listening to: Time To Pretend - MGMT.
Mood: ...

The following blog consists of journal entries I wrote over the past few days.

April 23rd.

I’m finding myself sitting here with my hands needing something to do. No notebook with me though, that was stupid. I should have brought it.
Playing my ukulele could be good, for a while. But I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated with my lack of natural talent at the damned thing. For some reason I expect to play it perfectly every time I pick it up. Which is ridiculous, really, but oh well.
It might not be boredom this time. There are things preying on my mind and I find myself needing some distraction. Difficult when you’re stuck in a house with nothing to do and pretty much no one to talk to that is in my age group.
That reminds me of my upcoming birthday. When does one truly become an adult? At 18? Earlier? Later? It might depend on the person, I guess. But I wish it was easier to tell. Like some great announcement will go off in my head.

Congratulations, you are now an adult! Have fun being responsible, and remember, spontaneity isn’t always a good thing. And get a mortgage.

I find it rather funny that people celebrate their entrance to adult life by acting childish. You know, getting completely and utterly wasted and doing the various things that one does when one is completely and utterly wasted. Not that I condemn this practice, in fact I plan on undertaking it myself. While it is childish and irresponsible and stupid, it is also incredibly fun. As long as there are no incriminating photographs.

I’m in a rut of sorts. Well, maybe rut is the wrong word. Cycle, perhaps. Pattern? Eh.
I love someone. Good ol' unrequited love.
Same old same old (same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old...).
What to do? What to do, indeed. Life would be so much better if I possessed some kind of magical quality that would make the object/s of my attention feel the same way. Unfortunately I’m a bit flat-chested. Hah. And not that interesting or good-looking or anything. Too hard on myself, maybe, but certainly not lovable.
Love is funny. And painful. And...Well, you know the clichés. It’s different for everyone. Except for me, I know how it’ll end every time.
Hence the name of my blog.
Well, also, I just liked how it rolls off the tongue. Then I realised it rather applied to myself. Maybe that’s why it popped into my in the first place.
Unrequited love junkie.
Always going back for more no matter how often and how badly I am scorned.

There’s a drumming noise inside my head that starts when you’re around.

Too much time spent idly doing little these days. I’m finding myself becoming increasingly lazy, which is unfortunate. Although I’ve been sitting here typing for some time. Maybe my fingers are the only part of me that get any exercise? And my brain, maybe, but do we really exercise our brains? We strengthen them, certainly. And I’ve been doing too much thinking lately.

By the end of this sentence I will have written 533 words.

This is effectively curbing my boredom. Hurrah. But what to write about now? I’d ask for suggestions, but you see, I’m not actually talking to anyone.
(Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, Ree, remember? And the second sign is probably arguing with yourself.)
(No it’s not.)
(Yes it is.)

When you’re surrounded by people, do you feel safe? Or do you still feel alone?I do, sometimes. There are a couple of people I let in. But for the most part no one really knows me, I think. What defines if one is crazy or not? Do we have to believe that we’re crazy to actually be so? If we do, then I am. I certainly seem crazier than a lot of people I know. Or maybe I’m just paranoid. A mental health hypochondriac? Does it make a difference if one’s problems are diagnosed or not?
(There are still some days where I’d like to carve “LIAR” into your forehead.)


April 24th.

It’s been a strange few days, full of new and interesting and scary and melancholy things. My brain feels as if it’s on fire. So does the rest of me.
It would be nice to give in to this, but I know that’s probably not a good idea.
Then again I don’t have many good ideas. Ah well. Maybe I shouldn’t trust my own judgement then.

I’m itching to do...something. I don’t know what. Nothing really all that productive in a long-term sense. As much as I’d like a job I don’t know if my current mental state will allow me to function well within one. The cash would be nice, however. I’m shallow, and possessions tend to make me feel better. At least I admit it. Not many people would.

Goddamn compulsions controlling me sometimes.

How am I so lonely when I’m surrounded by people?
How the hell does that work?
Am I so selfish that I need to be constantly engaged in some kind of contact or conversation with someone else?
I should probably stop asking questions that aren’t likely to be answered. Silly, silly Ree. Shut your mouth again. Before you go too far again.

Here I am, a rabbit-hearted girl.

I’m being cryptic, aren’t I?
Just come out and say it, woman.
(No.)
Fine.


April 25th.

Let’s dance around the issue shall we? All of them. Everyone. One biiiiig merry-go-round and it’s making me dizzy.

Maybe I want to be on the other side of the ampersand after all. How predictable, Ree.

Faster, they might catch up, and we wouldn’t want that.


April 27th.

Inside my head
There's a room where I sit
There's a place here for you
If you wanted it

And I promise I won't hog the bedsheets
And I promise that I won't fall out of line
I could leave by the sunrise if that's what you wished
Just let me stay for a little while

Inside my mind
There's a voice that keeps asking me
"You're always falling but when will you land?"

It's not likely I'll think of an answer in time
'Til my limbs are all broken
And I've nearly died
But if you'd let me stay for a little while...

I promised that I wouldn't cry

I wrote that once after I she went to sleep. I still think about her sometimes.

It seems almost relevant now, that poem.

Came across your blog looking for my next dresden doll tat. Just wanted to let you know that I have two ampersand, one on each wrist, for the exact same reason as you stated in your blog. it made my day. :)

That's brilliant. :)
In fact I was thinking of getting it on my wrist. I might just have to now. :)

I love that Amanda's music brings people together like this.

I'm an open book.

April 23rd.

Pet.

Listening to: Glass Slipper - The Dresden Dolls.
Mood: Exhausted.

It gets tricky. Don't be picky. If the slipper fits, you wear it, whore.

I feel silly a lot of the time. And meek. Like if I say anything people won't take me seriously.
I'd like to be strong.
I'm going to be strong.

I've decided on my first tattoo. I'm getting an ampersand.
(This symbol: &)
Want the backstory? Don't care, you're getting it anyway.
Okay, so. There's a song by Amanda Palmer called Ampersand. It is a very nice song, first off.
There's a line in it that goes "I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand". I interpret that as a statement that the singer doesn't feel like she needs a partner to feel strong or worth something. Am I making sense? It makes sense in my head. And some of the other lyrics are along the same lines.
Ever since I started dating (5 long years ago, ha.) I've kinda felt the opposite. Like if i'm not with someone I'm not worth anything. and I'm sick of feeling that way.
I am my own person and I don't need another's love to feel validated.
(I mean, love is nice and all. I'm not anti-love, in fact, I'm for it. I just don't want to NEED it like I used to.)
So, in short. 1, it is an Amanda tribute. And 2, it is a reminder that I am strong and worth something even when I'm alone.

I sound really fucking pretentious there. Oh well. It's my body, bitches, i'll do what I want with it.
Now, how big and what font and where to get it?

Yesterday and today have made me really happy. A touch melancholy, perhaps, but happy. I hope this feeling stays.
Busy month ahead. Keeping busy is good. Distractions are good. I like distractions.
I also like tea. I might make some tea.

Okay, I have tea now. Good strong tea with no milk and just a pinch of sugar. Heaven.

Birthday soon. Gulp.
I'll be an adult.
But what'll change, really? Anything?

For now, I wait.
For a lot of things.

Back to watching Buffy now.

Ciao.

April 19th.

To be lost.

Watching: Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Mood: Tired.

Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments; the joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank... without passion, we'd be truly dead.

I'm a little bit lost.
And a little bit unsure.

But happy. I guess.

April 5th.

Snow angels are the crime scenes of dead normal angels.

Listening to: Blake Says - Jim Fishwick. (My friends are more amazing than yours.)
Mood: Hungry.


Things you may or may not know about me.

• I hate pelicans.
• I'm obsessed with boy's hands.
• I have to say hiccup after I hiccup. Like a tic, I guess.
• I love lying on the floor, or grass.
• If you can play an instrument, I will love you.
• I want to get married, for some reason. Always have.
• When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. I forget her name, but she had red hair and glasses and we would sing together.
• I'm allergic to employment, and addicted to money.
• I have 4 plays I'm writing right now, but I doubt I'll finish any of them.
• I wish I could draw so that I could design my own clothes.
• I hate the colours yellow and orange.
• I am far too honest, and if you ask me anything I will answer. Pretty much anything.
• Orange juice makes me hyper.
• My full name is Rianne Margaret Mansell.
• I like to run headlong into things, like relationships, and walls.
• I can't stand dirty glasses.
• The NeverEnding Story was my first favourite movie. I can still recite a lot of the dialogue.
• When I first saw the movie Labyrinth, I couldn't tell if Jareth was male or female. But I was attracted to him regardless.
• I can crack most of the bones in my body, and do so frequently. Especially my knuckles, neck and back. Apparently they're disgustingly loud.
• I really like red wine, and I'm not a wine snob about it. If it's decent, I'll probably love it and drink lots of it.
• I sing a lot, but people rarely hear me.
• I wish I could play an instrument, but I'm a terrible songwriter.
• I hold a lot of feminist ideals, yet I would be perfectly content to be a housewife.
• I pretend to be an artist. I can't paint very well, but it helps me chase the monsters away.
• I fall in love too quickly and too easily.
• I might be falling in love right now.
• I don't know with who yet though.

Last night I dreamt I could ice skate really well.
And now I want to go ice skating.

Well, mostly for the skating. But for other reasons as well.

I have a few things to look forward to, at least.

April 1st.

Oh I'm not going to list all the people I've kissed or file all the people I've fucked.


Listening to: With A Heavy Heart (I Regret To Inform You) - Does It Offend You, Yeah?
Mood: Uplifted.



I'm a bit happier. A bit crazier, sure, but happier.
Maybe it's the pills. Maybe it's the people.
But things seem pretty awesome right now. So fuck you, douche.


I saw Alice In Wonderland yesterday, finally.
(You're late for TEA! /throws teacup.)
And played DDR. I lost. Kristy's too Asian. And we got sticker photos. I wish my scanner worked, they're kind of brilliant.
drugsdrugsdrugsdrugsspoonsandbutterfliessss.
By the way, Kristy, Mum said she might buy me that skirt. Score.


Um. I also spent some time with someone. Who I happen to like. A fair bit.
In fact, they might be reading this now. HELLO STALKER. You have pretty hands.


I'm going to church tonight. Yes, I know. I'm an atheist. But so's Kristy, and she gets dragged by her family all the time, so I decided to keep her company. And it gives me an excuse to put on clothes.
(Current attire: Yesterday's underwear and a dressing gown. I haven't showered yet. Hot, I know.)
Also, it gets me out of the house, which I like. I wish I knew more people that could drive and just get them to come pick me up and take me away from it all.
Well. We'll see.


Only half an hour left if you feel like April Fool-ing someone. I honestly can't be bothered.
I'm too happy right now.