July 25th - No more dreaming.

I'm running my fingertips over the blades of grass as I lie in the backyard. Eyes closed, the sun warm on my face. You're sitting nearby, fiddling with a piece of rope.

"Strong enough?" you ask, as I sit up and you hand it to me.

I wind it around in my hands, pulling at it, picking at loose threads while you curl into a ball and watch.

"Maybe. Couldn't hurt to try." I drop the rope on the lawn. You're shaking your hair into your eyes again. I start to lean towards you, to brush it out, but you tumble backwards. You crawl across the grass towards the trees, and before I know what's happening, you're sitting in the branches again, pushing at the tyre swing with your bare toes.

"Don't wanna be here with me, do you?"

How can I even answer that question?

"I don't know, Sa-"

You're climbing higher into the branches now. I can hear you sniffling. Why are you so agile in here?

Why am I in here at all?

I start to run back towards the house. I trip and fall.

The jolt wakes me up.

July 23rd.

Ten letters.

Listening to: Two-Headed Boy - Neutral Milk Hotel.
Mood: Tired.

1. Dear you,
   You make me tremendously happy when I thought that no one else could. To be honest, I never thought we'd end up together. At all. But I'm happy we did. I'm trying not to make a big deal out if it like I used to in relationships. I'm pretty sure some of my friends don't even know I have a boyfriend. But I remember that we talked about that, and it's okay. It's nice to be keeping things to myself for once. I could get used to this.
   And I could certainly get used to you. Don't change. You're incredibly sweet. And probably the most caring person I've ever been with. I just worry I'll turn out to be too much for you like I always tend to be. Here's to hoping, dear.
   
   
2. Dear you,
   I miss you. I feel like I need to see you sometime soon. But I don't know if you'll even read this.
   I read your tumblr. And sometimes I get paranoid that the letters are about me. I never know what you think anymore. I don't know if I can trust you. But I certainly want you around. That is, if you're okay with that.
   Sometimes I think you'd rather I just go away.
   
   
3. Dear you,
   You really do make a difference. Honestly. You're the only one that really helps. I'm thankful for you every day. I love you.
   And yeah, I'm still a bit jealous. Okay, very jealous. It unnerves me a bit how similar she and I are. And even more that you don't seem to notice. But hey, it'll all be okay in the end, no matter what. I promise you that. And I've never broken a promise to you.
   
   
4. Dear Amanda,
   I would not be alive without you.
   I would not be the person I am without you.
   I would have learned ukulele if not for you.
   I would not be blogging if not for you.
   And I know so many other people who owe you like I do.
   When I get my ampersand, you're the first person I'm showing.
   I hope you smile.
   
   
5. Dear you,
   Get fucked. I did nothing wrong. Have fun being miserable for the rest of your life.
   
   
6. Dear you,
   I know you'll be reading this. You might not know it's you I'm talking about. If you need to ask, ask.
   You are so lovely. So incredibly lovely, and it surprises me a bit that you even wanted to talk to me. I'm so glad you did though. You have no idea how nice it is to get an email out of the blue from someone telling you they love your blog and they love you.
   I want to show you wonderful things, music and movies and places I adore. I want to hug you. I want to have tea parties with you and be your best friend.
   I'm seeing you a week from today and I am incredibly excited.
   
   
7. Dear you,
   When will the tyre swing be fixed for good? You're making me hurt again.
   
   
8. Dear you,
   It hurts me that there's so much anger around you right now. People should just go away. It's none of their business. You are such an amazing person and such a good friend. I don't know what I'd do without you. I'll always remember you being there for the best day of my life. Every time I see you my heart lifts and I know I'll have a good time. Even when we're just sitting in your house watching the AFP dvd and listening to Idioteque and fangirling over how good it is. You are one of the best friends I've ever had and I know that's a bit ridiculous, but you are. I love you so much. And I'm glad you're finally getting some meat on your bones.
   
   
9. Dear you, in fact, dear all of you,
   You are so accepting and so wonderful. I can't wait to see you all again. Thank you for being so amazing to the new girl.
   
   
10. Dear you,
    Some days I still want to call you up and say 'Strawberry Clouds' and hope you'll understand how I'm feeling. I miss you more than you could ever know, my dearest. I wish I could make you happy. I'll keep trying.
    
    
    
    
    

July 22nd.

A change to simplicity.

Watching: Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm.
Mood: Really good, actually.

Right, a normal, non-whingy blog for once! Rejoice!

It's a good day today. So I felt like writing lists. I like writing lists. I kind of do it a lot.

Things I like:

• Lists.
• Anything to do with Batman.
• My friends.
• Sleeping.
• The colour blue.
• Floral dresses. (I have far too many.)
• Doc Martens.
• Sunglasses.
• Glitter.
• Garlic bread.
• Baking.
• Monty Python.
• Music! Most kinds.
• Anything to do with Alice In Wonderland.
• Wes Anderson movies.
• Tea.
• Antiques.
• Anything Edgar Wright is involved in, ever.
• Doctor Who!
• Ukulele.
• Blazers and suits.
• Trenchcoats.
• Boobs.
• Talking incredibly quickly.
• Blogging.
• Doing weird stuff with my hair.
• Audrey Hepburn.
• Marilyn Monroe.
• Amanda Palmer.
• 80's movies, especially the Back To The Futures, John Hughes movies, and The Goonies.
• Popcorn.
• Redecorating my room.
• Road trips.
• Comics.
• Video games.
• Geeky/nerdy people.
• The ocean.

Things I dislike:

• PELICANS.
• Pelicans.
• Pelicans.
• Meat.
• Wearing socks with no shoes.
• Avocado. (It's weird and mushy, bleugh.)
• Close-minded people.
• Homophobia.
• The colour orange.
• Insomnia.
• People lying to me.
• People asking if they can wear my glasses.
• Dirty cutlery.
• Hannah Montanna.
• Taylor Swift.
• Open-toed shoes.
• When I try to crack my neck and it doesn't crack.
• People assuming I'm lying or trying to get attention.

Things I am good at:

• Eating an entire serving of McDonalds hotcakes in under two minutes. (Bitches.)
• Making a fool of myself.
• Impersonating Ke$ha.
• Dancing/cartwheeling/doing anything, really, in high-heeled/platform/ridiculous shoes.
• Convincing random people on the street I am British.
• Finding excellent clothes rather cheap.
• Annoying people.
• Writing lists.

Things I am bad at:

• Painting.
• Writing.
• Singing.
• Keeping calm in bad situations.
• Peeling potatoes.
• Cleaning my room.
• Shutting up at the appropriate time.
• Saving money.
• Being rational.

Things I want:

• An antique tea set.
• An antique bird cage.
• A bicycle.
• A job.
• To move to the Inner West. (Preferably Stanmore/Newtown.)
• A violin.
• A hug.

July 20th.

Wake up.

Listening to: Astronaut: A Short History Of Nearly Nothing - Amanda Palmer.
Mood: Just...no.

I wish I was easier to understand.

I'm sorry that this is the way I feel. And I'm starting to think I'll never change. Maybe I just don't fit into traditional roles in that respect. There are other people like that, right? Right?

I'm getting paranoid. My head is just...spinning. I should be happy. I SHOULD BE HAPPY. NOTHING IS WRONG. WHY DOES EVERYTHING FEEL WRONG.
Why can't I be happy?
It's like I've forgotten how.

I'm so angry right now. I don't even know why. I think I may be angry at myself for being...not right. There's just something not right about me.
I can't stop dreaming about the ocean. Being in it. Becoming part of it. Becoming it. Not drowning, just...being.
I just want to be peaceful and cold.
And maybe I don't want to be fixed. I'd rather be crazy than not be myself. I don't care if it kills me, I'm not doing that anymore. I want to be peaceful, not numb. Not different.

You're making me tremble again.

It's not fair.

July 16th - Into the ocean.

If you'd hold me maybe it would be okay.

Listening to: We Belong In The Sea - The Red Paintings.
Mood: Sombre.

I was lucky enough to meet Trash McSweeney (The singer in the above video). Only briefly. But he's lovely. I think I'm in love with him just a bit.

So I'm back home now. And nothing feels right to me. I wonder if my feelings have finally overcome me. I look back on the way I used to think about things and about people, and it's completely different to me now. And I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I tried to open my eyes but the saltwater stung too much. Spluttering and choking as my throat and my lungs filled to bursting point. My body was fighting for life. I wanted it to stop.

I've been told I'm too obsessed with the ocean. Maybe I am. I wish mermaids existed. Childish, I know. But if I could be anything I'd be a mermaid.
The idea of drowning fascinates me. I worry sometimes that if I'm ever at the beach (or any large body of water really) alone, I may try to drown myself just to see what it's like.

Dear you.
You are wonderful, really, and I hate that I have such conflicted feelings about you. You don't deserve it, at all. We'll be okay, I think. Maybe I will change.
Maybe you'll accept me anyway.
Love Ree.

I'm looking forward to Kristy's birthday, maybe more than she is. I have big plans for her presents. I just hope I can brighten her days a little.
She's a beautiful girl. She should smile more. KRISTY, SMILE MORE.
For me? I love you.

I want to sleep until Sunday.

July 12th.

Come to me.

Listening to: Rain - The Red Paintings.
Mood: Exhausted.

It's torture wanting what you can't have.
A person, an object, an attribute; I know what they all feel like. And yet...
It keeps happening.
I'm feeling overwhelmed by longing right now. Wishing things were different. But it's not up to me anymore. Not many things are.

I love it here, but at the same time I miss everyone and everything back home.
Except for my bed. I hate my bed. I really need a new mattress. So badly. My current one has broken springs that cut me while I sleep. My feet and legs and back and ass are currently covered in scratches. Not fun.
I wish someone would hold me until I fell asleep. I miss that. A lot.
Gah, I sound like such a sadsack right now. Maybe I just need a hug.

I had a wonderful day today. It made me want to move here right now. But like I said, I miss home...

I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore.

As soon as I get home I have to clean my room out, learn three songs on ukulele, change my doona cover, make birthday presents, dye my hair, and read two books.
Or I could just sleep.

Sleep sounds good.