January 25th. - Retrospective.

Just a tad hypocritical, the both of us.

Listening to: Silence.
Mood: Disappointed. In myself. In others.

Mass post, much?
So, this was the jist of how I was feeling during my holiday.

January 15th.
I haven't been well for a long time. Five, maybe seven years or so. And my memory is terrible, believe me. So it makes it harder for me to remember what life was like before this. I'll be honest, years one through nine of my life are a blur. Sure, there are random snatches of memory. The Christmas when we got a trampoline. The lounge room of my Nan's old house. The phase where I ate nothing but Nutella sandwiches and lemonade. Little pieces or happy moments. You take things like that for granted. But you don't know any better, do you? When you're young, life is easy. At least, it should be. Some kids are lucky and get a happy childhood. And then there are those whose parents split up. Or maybe they get beaten. Or a parent dies. I suppose I'm lucky that for the most part I had an okay childhood. It's just a shame that it's hard to remember sometimes.

It would be easy to blame my dad. Looking at it from the outside, you might. Him leaving could have started the chain of events that made me this way. But I don't know for sure.
A lot of my friends know my life story. Maybe I find it too easy to open up to people. I remember one night when I sat in a room with my boyfriend's best friend and my boyfriend's brother and just poured my heart out. I don't know why it happens so easily for me. It might be the selfishness in me looking for sympathy, and secretly reveling in people's shocked reactions. That's a part of it, I'll admit. I am a selfish person. But mostly I think I just need someone to listen. That talking about my experiences helps me get past them.

I don't know why exactly I do the things I do. I just tend to do them. (And regret it massively afterwards.) I've done some damn stupid things in my life, I can tell you that. Hell, you probably know a few of them. I rang in the New Year doing stupid, stupid things that I regret almost more than anything I've ever done. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.
And I'm going to be honest. I'm scared. I'm really scared that I can't change. It's not easy. I need to, though.

January 16th.
For as long as I can remember I've been uneasy around men. I have irrational fears that they'll rape me or abuse me. I never liked having male teachers or doctors. It didn't make sense, though. It still doesn't. Even now, I specifically requested a female psychiatrist. For some reason, I just don't trust men.
(To be fair, though, a few have given me reason not to.)
Older men, though. Guys my own age, even a few years older, I'm fine with. But past a certain age they just become scary to me.
In a hypocritical twist, however (or maybe ironic... Eh, it's hard to think of the right word) my best friend in the world right now is male. You should know who you are.
I confuse myself.
I probably confuse everyone.

January 17th.
I think I like being hurt.
Physically, emotionally.
Not fully, but a part of me. Maybe I just like being hurt in certain ways.
I'd rather provoke someone and have them beat me than hurt myself. But I do, anyway. hurt myself that is. Subtly. No scars, no makrs. No one's really any wiser to what I do behind closed doors.
I have trouble breaking skin. I don't like being cut. But punches and slaps and bashing myself with things or against things... I feel like I deserve it, almost. Sometimes I wish i left bigger marks. Maybe then someone would see, and tell me to stop, or try and help me. I don't know if i could do it alone. There's a lot I can't do alone. I want to change. But it's terrifying.

January 19th.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. There's other fish in the sea. But I want THAT fish.

I don't blame him for how I feel right now. But I'd be lying if I said he hasn't contributed. And I'm starting to be a bit scared of what I've become. And the fact that apparently there's nothing I can do.
I think I have too much faith sometimes. But not always, and not always in the right thing. It's not all bad, I suppose. My faith is what's keeping me alive right now.

January 20th.
It's not as easy as everybody seems to think. Grow up, get help, move on, move forward, live your life. It's so much harder, for me at least.
Breathe in, breathe out.
I wish I could be happy that it's easy for some people. I can't, though. It just means that I'm fading quicker, and soon everything I was is dust.

I keep waking up at 6am. If only I could sleep longer. If I could, I would only be awake for a few hours a day. Do the things I need to do, eat, etc and then just sleep my days away.

January 24th.
I had a good day today. I'm back from Queensland, and I spent the day with my best friend.
I feel like an idiot, though. I'm sorry. And you're far too good to me.

I've been trying so hard. At everything. And no one seems to notice. That hurts. But what can I do?