January 11th.

The doctors say that once you get a taste of it, you'll keep on cutting.

Listening to: Sex Changes - The Dresden Dolls.
Mood: Frustrated.

First things first, who commented last night?
No point in telling me to come online and talk to you if I don't know who the fuck you are.

So, today will be awesome. Full of...packing. Heh. I'm apparently only allowed one soft bag for ten days. Yeah right. I can fit maybe three days worth of stuff in mine. Luckily Mum also thinks this is ridiculous, so I'll probably get to take my suitcase.
I leave for my father's house around lunch tomorrow, I think. I don't know if I'll get to blog while I'm up there... I know my grandparents have a computer, but I'm not sure if they have the internet yet. I really hope they do, otherwise the whole trip will be utterly insufferable.
(And you'll just keep on having your 'fantastic' holidays. Good for you.)

I also have the feeling that the whole 'trying to stay sober' thing might get tossed out the window while I'm up there. I know my cousin wants to take me out, so that might be okay. I just need to make sure I don't make out with randoms.
I don't know. I have trouble controlling myself when I've been drinking. But the problem is for me, I'm a tad scared of drunk people. (Thanks, Dad.) So when I'm around people that are drinking, I tend to drink. Because when I'm drunk, it's not as bad. I'm one of them. I know these fears are totally irrational.
(But am I ever rational?)

Two people tried to help me last night, but they didn't really help. One just sat there and listened and contributed nothing, and the other just flat-out disagreed with everything I said.
I'm confused as hell right now, cut me some slack. I'm having a lot of trouble making sense of a lot of things.
I wish the things that people say to me didn't affect me so much. then maybe I could get some real answers. About anything.
Like what the fuck is in my head and why won't it leave?
By the way, it was her 7th birthday yesterday. Not that I really care, it's just like...fuck. I've been dealing with this for that long? What's going to happen in the next 7 years?
Am I going to lose myself to her? Or can I beat this?
Some days I think the former, some days the latter. I have no idea. And it's scary. It's really, really scary. And no one knows what it's like.
She tends to make things worse.

You're big enough to stop pretending.